Our friend Allan lived alone. I think nobody should live alone. Nobody. It’s putting your life at risk. I think of the classic comedy film of 1943, “The More the Merrier,” where three single people live together – it was messy, but merry.
When I was drinking, I felt a perceived lack of control, but sober I feel a real lack of control over the things that could happen, stuff I can’t share about in meetings, stuff that might prevent a newcomer from getting sober.
“We could make a hell of a topic: Suicide of the week, execution of the week, terrorist of the week, I love it. Suicides, assassinations, mad bombers, mafia hit men, automobile smash up, the death hour, great Sunday night show for the whole family, we’ll wipe Disney right off the air”
// 1976 drama, “Network,” directed by Sidney Lumont
Allen K. was a tortured soul. Someone stole his identity. I’m not surprised of his suicide. Suicide can happen. It’s always up in your face, a fear driven thing from my experience. Samantha brought this topic up a year ago, how her 8th grade student committed suicide.
Drinking alcoholically is a suicide attempt in itself. What about swinging on the branches of a tree to hang yourself? What about the pigs that ran off the cliff? What about mental health tune ups and hitting the pause button? If I can put some distance between my feelings and my reaction, then my hope is to gain clarity and perspective on the situation. I don’t understand much except for me to drink — is to die.
Allan K. forgot his primary purpose, to carry the message of AA to the next suffering alcoholic. He forgot how to use the 10,000lb telephone where another alcoholic could talk him off the ledge. Stay connected, stay protected. This is a dire warning for alcoholics.
Business failure, insanity, fatal illness, suicide – these calamities embitter and depress me. Though I’m profoundly thankful for the three years of friendship we shared that shaped me and taught me how to show up and listen and chair an AA ZOOM meeting, Our Common Welfare.
He was beginning to enlarge his spiritual life. He would text me to say, “great job today, meeting went well,” I was beginning to be competitive with his topics, especially the topic, financial insecurity, when the screen lit up with yellow hands like when Elf lit up all the buttons on the elevator. He would end his shares with his signature closing, “The possibility of a good day does exist.”
Not today. How are you? Not dead.
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